A Selfologist Against Himself
Tuesday, December 30
I'll start again , all signs are showing me the end of the first period of my dear friend's life (weblog). I need your thought and wishes ,fairy.
they are crying that we WERE human being just like you but their crying won't work any more . This is the end of the endless-expected-life, this would be the end for every one else but you know what? We ,all ,can't remember it for a long time .
I extraordinary feel lonely .I extremely need a running-away . I need freedom and life!
I need joy . I want to be alone! From all these believes they are, really, just bullshit. I mean I want to in a world with no border and limit. I want to be myself.
Monday, December 29
"You cannot change what's over
but only where you go ..."(from a lovely comment)
but you know what?! I think by changing the moment ( that cause the new future) we actually give a meaning to all we had in past . I mean every change has the CAUSE and the now changes are based on what we have in past.
it wasn't in my rhythm , I don't like to speak like this , I just wanna take a look at reflection in myself heart and mind as an expressive reflection , but sometimes breaking habits are joyful!!
This(most of all over here) is too general . I wanna be more specific. I wanna make it more clear so analyzing would be more easy and understandables.
Sunday, December 28
What I've been experiencing today was definitely one of the unique ones till now in my life.I was getting close to understanding the meaning of being so blind and darkness . I mean these years in my life is the stage of a unbelievable conflict between me and myself , me and some strong and old desire . I can't talk about it more but when you really like it (for a long time ) it'll be part of your soul and part of your logic! , just like our beloved ones , some of my belief (that has some doing as reflection) making the inseparable roots in my soul . In these years I'm struggling with an energy-consuming process to get rid of such a thing and this battle take me inside more than ever I guessed before.
It really take my soul to get away from this old buddy and today was one of my experiences on it .
more will be spread from my mind a bit later..
I'm in the death of night and in the heart of a huge desert . There's no light no way and worse than it , there's no end .So I'm lost and in fact I can feel the blind fear that surrounded me . I need someone to hold with hands and free me s
full desire in my heart ,just , searches for a extreme freedom .
Fairy ,I need your wishes . I feel lost and empty I can't think any more .My world of words are running away from me and the whole passion needs to reinforce for another start . I should change the whole way of my searching . The whole environment blind me to the fact .I'm in the matrix and don't know the reality , the truth . I need inspiring ,I need creativity , I need thought and passion
I need some fairy's wishes .
I have to survive.
Saturday, December 27
slow down buddy, after a while when I pass the moment I'm gonna see that it was nothin'. If it wasn't anything then why I was like this? What was the CAUSE and the REASON? At that moment all the thing can be the reinforcement and the cause should be something that went deep in my mind and heart . I mean the cause made it's link to the deepest part of my heart and mind so it can fired and make all around looks like what it wants to be and after that, the whole symphony of hate and anger is about to start .
I can't even think about the whole events that's going on around me . You know what?! I'm confused and can't handle it . there're more than I can deal with and try to make them clear . I'm watching people, with all their differences, just want to show they can feel and sense the terrible awful feared dying .I was also at school experiencing working with child ,their eyes was shining ,they were native .third one was ,somebody did something! Anger don't let me to go and keep me in the mood of poor souls and poor mind so I need rest
I extremely need a rest . They're in the process of dying and experiencing getting away from sweat life . The sweat life that we're tacitly tied in and stick to it and now they're tasting the unfastening it so there should be a huge amount of feeling filling around and constantly indicates. The whole country affected by the massage and the whole country is trying to say we ,too , can smell the sense . We, too, can smell that how does it feel if you wake up at morning and see there's no one except you .
and through such a disaster I'm discovering more myself . I'm trying to find out why should I concern about what's going on there?. What's the matter to care about?
why am I feel like this?
Friday, December 26
I don't know anything about myself. I don't know the human being, I don't know the moments . They're dying and I can't do anything . This is the pure moment of life but you know what? I can't understand it , it's different it's scaring . It means the death ,it means the pain, it means the whole feeling .You wake up and see there's no family and there's no help . I wanna cry and say this is not like what I dreamed ,this is not what I thought .
A deadly earthquake took place at a city in my country ,killed many people and wounded much more. I can hear the voice of death , it's close and it's whispering in my ears .His voice is dramatically scaring . I don't know where are the dead ones .Really , where are they now?!
I dreamed that I was dying .Somebody shot me at my head from back . It wasn't so terrible ,it was easy and there was no pain and after dying I was a free soul flying around and watching all the thing that I couldn't see before . There was no limitation no border no boundary . There were some guys that can see me but most of people were blind to understand me . I was flying with no limit . It was a good sense .I can remember the moment of dying it wasn't as awful as I thought.
Thursday, December 25
Today I was trying to break some of my moments and make them under control , really , it was amazing . I was struggling to say a big stop to the program . In another word I want to experience that we are not a program ,it seems that our surrounding are tacitly draw some reaction for every moment of our life ,so we just do what we tacitly learn from the environment.
I was playing football and in the football the most important thing when I'm getting the ball is to don't lose it , it make me get stressed and then all I want in that moment is, to take the ball safe and pass it by.
this won't let me to enjoy the playing and do some creativity. It takes so much energy to just stay ( at the moment) and think and defend the feelings and prejudgments that come over my mind and soul to make me obey them .
These are the moments of out life I want to navigate them and elaborate the result to be more aware of the process of finding!
First I wanted to ask fairy to help and describe more on her wishes but after a while I remembered that whenever I asked someone to explain more or advice me , I wasn't so glad after his/her talking!
so , all I want is 2 thing : be myself (the most important thing , I should think that there's no one except me ) and thinking for navigation
I want to grow , but I know that the growing is more enjoyable than the top that I might reach and also I know that I should explore the moment. The moments are golden
Fairy made me think . I'm thinking to find with a weird feeling that's coming along with this kind of thinking .It's just like going from a bright place over a dead dark that there's no even a bit light to see, therefore for a while , you can't see anything ,really , this is the pure sense of blindness with a hope of understanding your around with eye.
this is the feeling of being in the process of understanding(the nice word that I've learned from my great teacher,understanding)
I want to think . Should I change the approach? Should I think more ?
where's finding in my writing ? How can I get more close to myself for knowing ?
After starting this blog till now ,whenever I wanted to express my exact feeling and thought , I could sense that my world of word in English has a limitation. They can't come along with me in my exploration. They are handicapped when I want to run so I just can walk slow for getting them along
now days when I want to read some readings in English every word has a new world behind itself . I mean when I see them(the words in reading) I can feel that they are getting close to me I think that I can use them for many place and that's the new meaning of reading for me!
I want to get rid of others! For making a sense , to me others are more than just others . Especially ,when they're close to me , and I'm cozy with them ,they're emphasized in my mind. All I want to say,(let me use another word instead of all) I just want to be myself when I'm nearby somebody familiar.
I know that I'm in the process of getting away from them because they were stick to my mind and they were at my mind whenever I wanted to make any decision or just think about anything . This was about few years ago when I was too young ...
I can't continue because in myself it's not enough clear . So I'll focus on it a bit later.It has some background specially in my society
Wednesday, December 24
Wasn't as well as I guessed (the presentation I mean). I'm tired , I can feel it in my knees and my foot . I can't stay standup any more .All the desires ,enjoys .. , are fading away, far from me .I'm disassociated from all the photos that can introduce the scared hope , Hope !I'm forgetting you. They're replacing with pain . This is the moment of having no hope . Some of my conclusion about my experiences don't let me adopt the belief of disappointment.
shame on you life I really can't continue this way. I'm tired , I want to kill myself . That's the easiest( or maybe the most difficult ) way . I don't want to be like this
I know I should sleep . Because of my thinking , these days I couldn't sleep well . I was getting nightmare all the time . I'm exhausted. I'm out of control .
from the morning to night the whole life was too gloomy . It was dark and black .
I'm feeling just like a man in the small prison ,sitting around, put his hand on his head and just think about somewhere out of there . Every where but out of there!
I really want help . Somebody help me . Dear fairy ! I need your help . I wanna cry.
I just want to release myself from this hell.
I should love . Just love can hold me . The thing that I've experienced it one time . You know , love is the window of that prison .The window just can tell you that there is the out
I can't see the beauty ,I can't see the whole life . All I can see is darkness , the pain
I feel wired . Something unnatural something strange . It comes over me when I approach the place that I feel, it should be an aggravation!
in every feeling I can sense that there's something (physically) in my heart that goes along with what's happening in my mind . Many situation that has an unexpected factor take both my mind and heart to somewhere like this. And now I'm going to give a lecture in my class that would be so strange .What would happen in there ? What would they say and think about my talking . the shapes of my face during the lecture would be amazing ! That based on some of my bad experience in these moments fill my mind without any replacement!
I'm not feeling free .
What I'm experiencing these days is a real conflict inside of me . I'm experience that at every little time and every moment we are somebody else . Maybe this is just me and others are not like this but in my perspectives the love, the hate, the enjoy and ... (things that we call other stuff with them) are mostly the fake or in better word we don't know the definite things that we want .
All the time I really love something but when I start to go inside of it ,it's looks like something deferent this shows me that what i was loving wasn't this!
I know this kind of talking is not so clear and at first contact every body may ask : What on earth are you talking about? I should go detail to be more expressive
all I can say now is the fight has broken out and I'm in the middle of it . I'm wounded ,tired and so hopeful !!
I'm looking for the truth it might be every where . Even in this little masterpiece! Or in the matrix(movie) pilgrim! Enjoy your journey.
Tuesday, December 23
I should be someone else! Really , with a breaking heart I'm thinking about the past . The past which I spend and it teases me, every time I take a look at it.
I don't know why, but I hate the days that have gone and nothing ,even a footprint ,remains from those days. In fact after a long-term-watching I figured out that in the whole before days I was just looking for some far away things .I mean they were out of reach because I couldn't even logically get that I should enjoy my life not others. This is me!!! Hey! Where the hell are you looking for! Unfortunately I was surrounded by the others and after all I got the point :"be yourself"
I've heard it many times but this time it definitely has completely another meaning .
all I've written was with a brake heart . I don't know why do they call it brake what do I feel isn't a braking it's a kind of getting too much heavy some sort of getting tightly grabbed.
at the starting point I meant that I should be a guy who's looking for himself . Through this kind of thinking (concerning about others more that myself) I converted to someone else and that was disaster.
this weblog is part of my trying to get inside of myself .
manytimes there are some kind of senses inside me that ,really, I can't sift them through words . I mean the world of words are so week to handle it or maybe the world of my words has it's limitation.
the second choice is more acceptable to me.
I hope I can find the way of expressing them . Sometimes I try to do it with figuring out it's similarities with our outside world but it has it's own limitation too.
a person who makes a journey, which is often long and difficult, to a special place for religious reasons
Exhausted! Tired! Hard to move around.
I feel them .Seems to me that my heart is getting down .Seems that has a big packet on his shoulder that don't let him move!
It was me and he .We were alone without anybody else .Without any sort of disturbing . He is kind of force but he's one of the strongest in my souls and I was in the hard battle with him. Imagine , you're alone with such a force 4-5 hours .It's just like a big rope around your neck with a strong man who's pulling the rope . He wants to pull you to some awfully unacceptable place but you don't want it . You're hardly struggling for avoiding but he is stronger than you and the major point is he's not here in person and physically he's in you mind he pulls you with desire and that desire make you blind and won't let you mind work! At that moment you can't think .Really it seems that the only thing that you can watch and do it what he's talking about!!
he's just like a reinforcing process that constantly make himself bigger.wow! It's really hard
all you had as REASON and CAUSE suddenly disappear.they're fading through he!
like that man who wants to give up eating for losing his weight
I'm in a big conflict with myself to do this he's stronger than me but my will don't let me to give up!
the combination of the colors are graceful isn't it?
but it's something more than color .Compare the left one and the right one .It seems that the left one is the expanding copy of the right one but way of expanding it truly spectacular!
I want to shape a design in my mind but I can't . I should try more on it . I want to express myself on some specials moment of my life (some moments that are like being addicted to something).
There is a feeling inside me as I navigate myself I can find it many times . Describing in English is hard but when I'm near by it it seems that something tightly grabs my heart . Really I quite feel it . When I feel I'm not success enough or I can't do something it comes over me and fill my heart and tries to make a mental leader that based on that senses. I mean this time I want to seek for all my bad moments in my life .
writing gives me the chance of changing it by saying ok ! I'm here this the work you can do .
I should add that this sense doesn't limit to being unsuccessful . It needs more searching.
I love walking on the endless road but I hate walking on the chooseless one !
therefore I always walk through somewhere and in fact I'm walking in my mind because I'm thinking all the time in the walking .
if someone ask me what have you gotten from your walking I'll answer him/her ask some other question!
I mean I love the process of finding new thing not the new things.
Monday, December 22
My energy was about to getting downhill . The REASON was there was no one except me . This was just self-expressing from me to me. First I told ehsOn (myself) ok! Could you please give all these bullshits up and just write for yourself . I meant that I should change the hidden REASON that forced me think I'm here because I hope there would be some others to contact me .Some others that I can get in touch with them in pure ways. Without any kind of fake !.
honestly it was a good idea but seemed to me that it won't work.
after suck a conflict I decided to get this for REASON: I'm here just because I want to express myself for getting more close to English language.
but today when I opened it up ( my wobbles) I saw some new sings . It grabs all me attention and made me stare at screen .
WOW!!What the hell is this?!!! It wasn't just a number(1) . To me it was like finding a new window after spending so many time on seeking for it . it was a new window in the dark, cold and small room . A window!! How lovely it was.
when I was reading it my heart was feeling definitely different sense. It remind me the whole desire of connection throught this weblog.
It was just like a man who wants to lose his weight without any extremely strong and constantly-repeated REASON . undoutbly you experience it many time. He always says to himself : you should lose your weight because it feels better it makes you look handsome ... He is getting so hungry.. But it's a moment when he sees the food ! All he had as reason is gone as fast as cloud in the sky!!
at that moment (seeing the food available and seeing there was someone made comment on me) food is the only REASON to eating and the strongest one.
it was me!
this is my opinion : we are borning every moment.
Thank you fairy .Your wishes inspire me and make me think more.
Saturday, December 20
I want to feel that writing affect me and has it's own influence on my moments.
I want to feel I'm going better by writing therefore I would write on every little thing and see how it make be feel improvement.
I'm looking for English words in every moment that I'm in front of this screen on the blogger. I mean I'm trying to explore myself with the English word .
SIFTING the WORLD through WORD.
but I should love the process . I shouldn't disappoint and just think about the lovely moments that I'm spending on this .
Things goes like there is no hope , no futures , I really want to get rid of this king of feeling but my feeling are comes from my real life ( in better word from my perspective of my real world!)
right now the only thing that I want is a dead , a nice and easy dead .
this dark and gloomy way is now looks so lovely so..
nothing else to write , I now my writings are not organized but they are pure and hearts-coming one . I see it another way
Friday, December 19
look! what i've found!!!
i was exploring it for ADD and ADHD it was amazing it was me!!
The feeling that I have right now: imagine that it's early in the morning and you lie in your bed and an extraordinary desire force you to keep sleeping but you know that you should get up and go out in person . This was not the whole pont the weather outside is extremely cold and just looking outside the window make you feel gross.
bad feeling huh?!
in my heart I feel like this . But there is a light that make me stay!! I like the modeling , writing , inspiring , these make my life more interesting than I ever expect!
Wednesday, December 17
These days I'm thinking a lot . Much more than you expect and the REASON is ...I love thinking?!! No I love thinking but now something make me to think on myself .
in fact I'm exactly do the title INSIDE EXPLORATION .
I was thinking about the process-orientation but I was confused , because I didn't get any thing special from it . And after a while I had found that I'm watching process-orientation ( itself) not as a process!!
and the second point was this kind of watching is just a watching!
I was about to giving up but now every thing is quite different. I was going to give up the whole writing but now I found the REASON . The reason who make me stay and see what's going on in my mind .
someone new had an eye on this blog. I don't know why but I really love the connection . I want to cut some before connection to make new one . New thinking will bring me new life and the new life doesn't necessarily would be the better one but it would be the more enjoyable
added later : I made a mistake and no new one visited here till now !!! It made me sad but I thought that how imaginary our REASON can be!
Tuesday, December 16
Writing need a passion, a hope . It seems that now it's gone inside of me.
but I need to write about my life about my experiences and my reaction .
why do I need to write? Nothing comes over my mind about it , nothin.
Thursday, December 11
It was just a phrase
These days I feel quite different from before and the reason is ... Wait a minute what does exactly THE REASON mean? Have you ever thought about it ? To me it's really confusing now . I just can say that my mental view of reason is changing , but really hard to say further than this in English..Ok .. The reason is I'm figuring out something new and exciting in my life and that is process-orientation.
I couldn't ever imagine that such an simple phrase can almost heal my whole life(In all of my life I've learned that I should not to be so much sure but now my feelings making me to write like this)
sorry for being a little not-easy-to-recognize !!
Wednesday, December 10
Monday, December 8
Thinking on writings
I'm trying to find more on English learning by thinking on readings and writings. Today I was reading a book named "freedom writers" that is a collection of dairies of students of a class .
and I'm trying to figure out their rhythm of writing and how I can use it, thinking on differences between descriptive and expressive rhythm of their dairies .
the major point is mostly they want to express or give their meaning by imagining the situation and because most of us will affect by such a image then they can rely on it but there are some others who want to use words that can more express their feelings ,in fact these king of writing make their writing more short and meaningful .
Sunday, December 7
We was talking on something and suddenly she said you should love the process not the result (after too thinking on it I inspired process-oriented for it but it seems that I've heard it before) surprising ! In entire of these recently fast-on-going years I've been looking for such an idea. Why I didn't figured out it by myself? How wonderful it was when I've been thinking on it .
but it's not practical . I know that I'll invest a great energy and definitely myself on it to bring it to my real life it'll be the next approach in my conflict with myself.
there is a hard-going-by life and just with a new perspective it would be changed.
dear blog I wanna find the whole psychological insider world with you be with me and come along with me in such a journey.
Wednesday, December 3
It's rather disappointing ! Every thing around me looks like just stuff, all the meanings and feelings has gone . During my life I can say that I'm close to this situation and now just wanna write and write to go deeper on myself. I'm listening loreena Mckennitt and it's goes along with my feelings (music I mean) also want to think about many thing that I should think .
the quran's said about dead I was reading it but it didn't made sense to me and I really got confused and mixed up.
In such a time I usually stare at this screen searching for something on the net but what ? I definitely don't know .I really love cry just cry and cry and talk to someone and tell him/her how exusted I am . From morning to night I'm seeking for something in my life but I don't know what the hell it should be .It seems to me that I'm just walking and looking around and around and the life goes it's own way.
why do there is no one to read my writings ? Maybe I should talk to my weblog itself.
How wonderful is the foggy weather in Tehran it makes me crazy I only wish I could have wings to get lost in the sky inside the clouds but ...
It's almost midnight
goodnight my dear blog
Monday, December 1
giving a lecture
The lecture was about the family and it's future and the guy who had given it was one of the world class sociologist ( Anthony giddens) .
I'll write more on it later but now just wanna write about when I had been giving a bit surface of it to my class. I didn't know that there would be some new womens to be with us for a while for observing our method of learning English even I didn't least expect about their attendance but suddenly I saw that there they were !
First of all in myself I wanted to give it up and let all the fears go but I decided to break out the fight with the part of my soul who was trying to cover me the fear.
my total hesitation was going on along with Mrs. D's starting points on class .
finally I told myself that there should be a big stop .
the reason that I got scared was imagining the bad consequences of such a doing and this was the demanding part of the following work.
after all I started with a weak not-going-laud voice to open up the dialog .
in that moment they turned to me and looking at me to know what I wanted to say.
when they had eyes on me I was staring at Mrs. D to concentrate on what I was saying .
actually I didn't know how that few moments finished but if someone watched my hands during the lecture s/he could feel my nervous at shaking of them.
the whole story brought so much ideas ro my ming .At least it made me realize how susceptible I was to getting out of control and being scared at first time contact.