A Selfologist Against Himself
Saturday, January 31
Just like me right now, and I can see the whole ocean in my insight, I should go across it but how? With this?!

Friday, January 30
At every step and every moment in this journey that I've chosen for my life, it seems that the more I get deeper in my inside and take a more inner look at my soul, my appetite for writing and expressing going to spoil. I don't have that eagerness to write about what's going on in my inside as before.
why? Maybe MY words are weak and limited in English. Or maybe the whole language can't come along with me and leaved me alone in such a desert.

Every days some new findings coming over every one of us, and me too, but there was a question and that was this are them finding or creating?! Are we finding some lost stuff and just like Christopher Columbus that had found America, before him there was that new land but nobody, even know it, and then what he had done was some sort of finding. But the second one is a kind of existing things, what God had done or is doing ,
questions! Come toward me, you're welcomed here

Thursday, January 29
I can't say that I can choose or select between choices of love and fear. But I can say that love is the only escape. The love that I mean is not just kind of human relationship, I've started with that and test if it works but I don't want to make it again I want a new form of love. I want to fall in the new form of love. A new form. A new one.
I don't know this new form but I know it's from the love origin. I know that if it's a real love it'll work, cause I've experienced the common form and it worked.
maybe it doesn't make sense or it's absurd but this is what's going on in my mind, I'm waiting.

Wednesday, January 28
Now I'm waiting, or maybe I can say searching, or navigating for something. they're the same aren't they?
I'm waiting for love, maybe it's absurd. but there's no other way.

What, I'm in the process of making it clear, is that every thing that wants to be changed should change from it's origins. And this it very close to what fairy told me. She said Fear or Love. That's true cause those are the origins. After a long time struggling for doing somethings, now, from this spot, I want to say: Fairy you were right, struggling to avoiding won't make anything better. The whole approach and the whole way of looking should be changed and it'll just by thinking on the Love as an original powerful force which can make the whole life better.
thank you fairy I should had patience.

A model for life:
From the beginning of our life till now, we're in the process of making links between our world and fear and love or joy and suffer. Just like making a web.
some of our links are strong and some of them weak. Every new link is related to the links before. And I can't say what're the origins.
the life is the process of reinforcing some of these strings or making them weak and fragile. These are our beliefs.
so when we are talking about changes, it's a time that the process of strengthening a belief and weakening a link are paradoxically in just one way and they should have a contact with each other. The joy of Chang and new position and the joy of Last situation.
but also I've found that this kind of exploring and navigating doesn't make anything better. Thinking on something just make it clear but what about the real changes and real life. It need patience!

I don't know why but I should say : Hey how're you my dear FEAR I've been waiting for you? My old buddy.
I can feel it . I know that he's close to me , right here and right now I was afraid about writing. Maybe if I explore myself better I'll find about the reasons. Maybe it's about the visitors and their reflections. Maybe their thought although has an inspiration and it's a new vision, it makes me feel that I should write just on these issue. I don't know, but I just want to say what are the streams in a fear. Maybe this isn't the reason.
but I know that I'm close to fear and suffer I've found it my life...
wasn't as I expected, expressive I'll write more on it.

Tuesday, January 27
Ok! Now I'm free to write
I'm doing the act of reading on something that I've received.
I arrived here right now. And feel free for doing a lot of things.
I'm seeing a world in my insight and want to explore it
although I wasn't close to my blog but I feel that the rate of changing is my life is going up and up. That, a little, scared me and a little made me happy.
these days I'm reading rumi. It's wonderful.

Sunday, January 25
I've found it but it's still close!

I'm walking and searching , searching for the door . But it seems that I'm lost I can't find it, where is it?
therefore I'm starting running and searching . searching for the door , the feel of lost is growing and wants to fill my soul, but I'm talking about patience to myself.
so I'm thinking and running and searching, searching for the door, oh! But where the hell is this door. Where are you? I need you I want to you for the escape. I really need the outside.
again I start thinking, thinking, walking and searching. I feel totally lost and cry for help, Is there any one who can help me? The whole world! The whole people! The whole everyone! Is there anyone or anything who can help me?

I'm still thinking, thinking, walking and searching but the more I'm going, the more I sense the fading of hope, and the presence of darkness

maybe sometime I find that the DOOR is thinking, thinking, walking and searching

to infinity and beyond

Friday, January 23
A light (or seems to be a light) is coming over my mind and it's brightness is going to make me surprise, I'm gonna write on it, that can be one of the most exciting thing in these days.
I feel that a new finding is like seeing the beloved one after a long time waiting and thinking about her/his , it'll shine in my heart and make it clear and hopeful

Still waiting, want to continue with a strong patience.
patience, the key to every where, the key of rolling in the roads, in the endless roads.

My expression on my inside is too wordy, isn't it?
I mean I'm always using words, the passive and cold words to say what's happening inside without it's background and without giving them soul to be real.
I want to change the way of writing and make it worldy! I want to go deeper and I need a new device for it.

Thursday, January 22
the point is going on the road not the end.

What question is that can drive me to the truth?
Is there such a question? Or there's no special truth on getting inside of ?
I just wonder if I can say why do the mankind in his whole life, from beginning till now, is looking for a word(or a world) named it truth ? I can't make sense
by myself I can just say I have lots of question that really eager to spent time on them for just getting close to them, but I don't know about the truth.

Today me and my friend was walking and talking for a long time (I think it was 2 hour!) we talked about almost everything but some of them, for me, has it's own interest.
he was mentioning his view around the religious and his way of explaining grabbed my attention, cause it made an inexact (to me for thinking not by itself) picture to a fundamental structure that can improve from it's bases and gets critic and grows as well as a mind tree.
his opinion was about seeing the religious as a prophet's personal vision to humanity(as a thing that has a special origin on other issues in such field) as the same as others vision, like human right statement on this, but it's differences is that his view was wider and deeper so it remains more than others vision.
I can't get along with him on putting the origin's role for humanity , what I was thinking was that, humanity, is just an public gathering on their public benefit. But this way of looking and relating was the start point that I've been looking for , it this era of my life.
I want light to inspire the way forward, or in better word, the ways in front.

Insomnia, gets you inside the complex world of inside, a bit inner looking would be helpful, isn't it?
insomnia, takes you think on an outside vision, the people around you, their behaves, their act of speaking, the events that are happening in your outside environment.
you feel suffer, shame, sorrow, joy, hope , love.. At every moment of such an insomnia.
insomnia, a present from god to make you stop and let yourself think on what the hell is going on?!

Tuesday, January 20

I really miss LOVE, I know that I miss it.
I feel lonely but this loneliness is quite different from the others , cause now I think that I know that I'm waiting for who's presence.
I'm looking for island in the lost boat but now I know that there should be an island.
who cares?! I feel that my heart is broken and gloomy. I feel that I can't pass it by. But there is a small window of light.
I miss you lovely world of love. I miss you world of creativity, the world of improving, I miss you all. I miss you the world of being myself .
when I feel I can't think or create or find or explore, I really feel that I'm dying. And the fear of getting close to death is the most fearful fear.
I miss you fairy. your thought will inspire me.

Monday, January 19
Now I can say, I'm close to what someone has said about FEAR and LOVE, it was that great, joyful, lovely day that showed me what does love means and it's differences between today's shows me fear. Maybe I want to named it in other way but I know that there's a 2 kind of living.
Some day, some body , told me that don't try to get rid of something, try to change your look to another thing, don't struggle to overcome in a situation just think about the exchange and the better way, in myself I didn't agree with it cause I thought that this wasn't practical and theorically doesn't work too. But in my process of uncovering the myself I've found that this can be the best way.
they came after that lovely day. And I want to call today as a fairy's day.

Sunday, January 18
Today was a great day, cause I've found myself in a boy, one of my student in the school. They are 10-11 years old but I can see myself in his eyes and behaves .
It was fantastic, the whole day I was thinking on it. it was another shining in my heart .


Today I've found that OTHERS comes from MY mind and thinking structure. Cause I'm trying to get close to special OTHERS and not every OTHERS , these special OTHERS are chosen and therefore it should someone who is choosing. And that one is ME. I mean I don't care about some OTHERS and also emphasize some other OTHERS with what scale I'm doing it?
This was a nice thing to find. Cause it feels like freedom! I don't know why but I'm glad about my finding.

I have a lot things to write but I can't! Today was one of the most joyful day in my life, I had happiness and joy and love there was a star shining in my heart ,in the dark sky of my soul, and you know what?: it was wonderful
imagine: a day after a heavy snow came down and the sky is sunny and the weather is windy and cold, too cold, I'm walking in the shadow and the wind teases my face, I feel the cold and the pleasant of warmth is just in my mind, there is just beating of my heart and a little warm from blood. I'm walking in the snow, the crash sound from my steps are a bad sign and tells me about the end, the finish.
ok! But the beating of my heart says I should continue , the warmth of the blood whispers in my ears about a new window.
after a long time walking I find a new thing : the place, a little toward me, that sun shines and makes the light over there and the whiteness of snow is bright. But deeply in my heart I just think, it would be better to go there, therefore I continue my walking toward there.
and here I'm in the first steps of getting in the light, in the warmth of sun. Under my skin I really feel the warmth, the sweat lovely rays of sun, each of them are welcomed and I love them .
I can't express myself about those first steps but I can only say they are seems to be like LOVE a true lovely LOVE
I really love today, this would be in my mind for a long time
we're alive cause we're experiencing the love at every beat of our heart , maybe ?

Friday, January 16
I prefer love.

Thursday, January 15
After a little thinking, it would be significant to say I'm here cause I want to continue,
cause in these 2-3 days I found something so fantastic, something new in my life .
I feel that I'm finding the way.

Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - it's just me and you
Tonight we make our dreams come true

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of - young hearts
It's a new day - it 's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am

Here we are - we've just begun
And after all this time - our time has come
here we are - still goin' strong
Right here in the place where we belong

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of - young hearts
It's a new day - it 's a new plan
I've been waiting for you
Here I am

Here I am
Here I am
Waiting for you

Here I am - this is me
There's no where else on earth I'd rather be
Here I am - just me and you
Tonight we make our dreams come true

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of - young hearts
It's a new day - it 's a new plan
I've been waiting for you

It's a new world - it's a new start
It's alive with the beating of - young hearts
It's a new day - it 's a new plan
I've been waiting for you

Here I am - next to you
And suddenly the world is all brand new
Here I am - where I'm gonna stay
Now there's nothin standin in our way
Here I am

Here I am - this is me

Bryan Adams

Tuesday, January 13


Monday, January 12

Sunday, January 11
The dark night of the soul
Too sad, wanna sleep for a long time.
I feel like staring at eyes of a beloved one in a deadly silence, without talk.
I won't write till I wake up.
bye now dear blog

"...nothing else - without any reason."
verb [T]
(especially of an unfair action or statement) to cause someone to feel very angry, shocked or upset
I'm overcome by that and it would be better to say it wasn't just a heat, in someway it was an impact
there's nothing , nothing , nothing and nothing, here in this world that I can say without any reason. be direct! say, don't ask me about the reason cause I don't want to say....
I'll waiting for you and your thought ...
to infinity and beyond.

Today is sunday I've been waiting for it and now ...
I don't know why some people don't mind that there are some others who are waiting for them .
these days I didn't write so much, cause I think it should be a new start and a new process that I want to choose them. I want to enjoy from life and this ,by itself , is a joy. so I'm near by the hope .

Saturday, January 10
I haven't ever experienced such a thing , there is 2 days that I'm in the a combination of some feelings like anxious, depressed, nervous, hopeless, .. And the hate of being in such a situation. They constantly and rapidly exchange to each other. I can't think and all the lovely windows are closed now.
I need to get up . I just afraid I can't.

Friday, January 9
I'm sad I can't do anything in my life I'm totally depressed, it seems that I can't go along with my highest wishes , I'm here and feel alone also feel that my heart is broken and won't fix any more.
I need repairment, I need someone tell me : hey where the hell are you going,
I want to get rid of all fake but how? I want to change , but how? Fairy said by changing the approach and changing the view but I can't do that too.

Most of us are living in the desert of HOPE and FEAR. There are some few ones who live in the sea of LOVE.

I'm getting involved in a letter and try to make a critical dialog with fairy. I want to get deeper and make the conversation real. This is one of the most important thing in our every day talking and connecting that can heal them . I'm experiencing the act of reading instead of reading. Every word has a world behind and a world beyond. The world of writer and the world of reader.
and also this time I'm experiencing the fear. I can't elaborate it , it need more time to say how hard and wonderful is to coming over a fear in my life. But I should say that I don't want to come over it , I just want to get involved in this process and enjoy of changing

Thursday, January 8
I've received something special. Actually it's amazing
it's a window but how lovely one.

Wednesday, January 7
A window of joy and hope, I only wish I could open it. I really need the light on your eyes

You were too late, I've been waiting for you. a long time.

I need to change my view from outer looking to an inner one. I need to be myself.

I'm surrender, I'm gonna quit. This means death and I'm near by the death
let me make it clear: at every moment of our life there are windows open and windows close. Our feeling, thought and our life's view is based on windows that are open.
all I have as a open window is a dark and gloomy one so I can't say that there's a nice window to look at. I'm alone and want to cry, too much, I want to let tears come rolling from my heart.
I'm giving up

A young man walking down the beach observed an old man picking up starfish that had washed up on the shore. As he got closer, he saw the old man throwing them back into the ocean. He approached the man and asked, " What are you doing?" The old man replied, " If I don't throw the starfish back in the water, they're going to die." " But there must be thousands of beaches and millions of starfish. You can't save them all. Don't you know you'll never make a difference!" The old man reached down and picked up a starfish and simply replied, "I'll make a difference to this one"
from freedom writers

I'm exhausted, I'm dead , I can't continue I'm gonna fail . The whole things wasn't as I guessed. I'm tired and weak. I'm alone and scared, just like black, just like nothing. Just like night, there is no hope and this is me: fearful. I'm the one who wanted to change every thing inside of him but now I'm just nothing. I can't fight any more I can't say there is a road, a hope, a light. I wanna die, this would be a scape to a place that at least would be a quite one (if it's).
I need to run away, I want to fly, without any border and limit, without any rope, tied to my feet. I need the sense of freedom.

My inside is more complex than I ever expect! The more I go deeper, the more I find that I was wrong, it's extraordinary amazing. At every step I can feel that the vision of the truth is changing.

Tuesday, January 6
Fragile peace, have you ever experience it? I'm quite and calm, it seems that nothing threat me, but something deep in my heart make me worry about the future. Events are coming, welcome future, I want to explore you.
Is it depend on what we're doing now? I mean future, does it have any link to now?

I need more word for expressing my world of words is not enough for such a navigation.

Maybe the whole life is not just moments and breaking them maybe there more than I thought, I just don't know but I struggle to find, to search in every place and time I can.
but these are just words what about the real world?

As simple as this

Imagine :
a hungry man who is dying for food
a full graceful table of food
an inner REASON which can avoid that man from eating
all I want to say about moments and breaking them are about these moments and that causes , if you elaborate this example you can find it every where in your life.
this is what I'm doing, in fact I'm trying to find them from playing football to falling in love and try to find the REASON for dealing with them . Through this searching I want to find myself. I want to know who I am.

A moment braked me and I feel lost I feel I can't control myself on the moments (this would be my entire desire: controlling myself) the fight is too long and hard.
after that I slept very well, really it was a nice sleeping just like death without border and limit. I can't say where am I going?

I want to be calm quite and restful without any excited mind and soul. I want to be cool but my surroundings are stormy and want me to be like them. I need this boy's quite.

A week is too long when you want to hear. Today I could feel the heavy pressure on my shoulders I couldn't even breath well. There was a moment that I felt that I'm in the end of the life road. Really couldn't see anything new and amazing in life to continue.
I'm fighting for changing the life and this is too energy consuming I lost many thing in this fight and losing some more and today I felt that I lost the gravity for life. This would be the worse thing here .
I'm fighting for a better vision and know that a better vision is in the better moment. I'm fighting for truth that I don't know it I don't even know if there is a truth or not. But every time I discover a new thing I tell to myself that there should be a truth and I feel that we are trying to go deeper in an onion , it has layers and I'm trying to discover and get them away to get the core but maybe my model of thinking about what's going on is not like an onion. This is the worse part of what I"m doing: I don't know
I need someone who come over me and say I know and I can trust on him/her, maybe the whole thing is not something to know maybe the most important thing is trusting and faith.
I don't know

Monday, January 5
Great hesitation

In the heart of darkness just a candle light can inspire us

I'm so glad, happy, overjoyed, cheerful . I feel great cause this morning I found myself successful in one of my hard momentarily conflict. At that time somebody(whoever he/she was: thank you ) just gave me a window and that window was thinking. I found that at every of these moments the strongest force that make me accept all the things, is my view about future! I mean at that time all I can think is ok! If you pass this moment and break it like you want, what'll you do with tomorrow, the next moment will break you and you can't do anything so you should accept this. I mean drawing a dark and gloomy tomorrow is watching the now gloomy and dark.
today I figured out that I should let myself to be just for that moment . Forget about the future and visioning the future . Just let yourself be at this moment and try to handle it. the future is tomorrow's now, let it become and then decide about it.
I'm still carrying this kind of breaking, out and I don't know when I can say I came over.

Making the order, finding the reason
most of the scientist , intellectual's (and whoever think about his/her around) effort are based on finding the true reason of events the focused on this means finding the order of events
Newton was searching for order (principles) of what was happening around his physical world that was the whole things that he was seeing but after some few century there was guys (Einstein and max Planck) who said to Newton that: that world you saw wasn't the whole world and here we find so many new things that can't get under you order, your order doesn't work here. So we need a new order therefore they set a new order for a new world that they found they order also covered the world of Newton.
All I want to say is maybe the whole world of us is based on our limit vision to our life, maybe we are asking very few questions and want a huge answer.
I need more question to find new world and finding a new order.

What's the problem? Let me say: what cause is the true cause?
I slept very well last night I felt that after a long time when I woke up I was satisfied and joyful about the sleeping. What was the reason?
1) I was very tired
2) I ate too much food
3) there was something in my dinner that make me sleep
4) I did something good at the middle of day
5) somebody sent me wishes and so I sleep very well
but what's the truth ? What was the real answer. None of them ? All of them? Some of them? One of them?....
fairy want me to see things in another way that's to me it's familiar but not logic,
maybe she wants to say: what the hell is logic ?Isn't it just a public agreement ?
let me just say I don't know
I know some guys contact with each other with music, some with shapes and pictures, some with words, some with stories, and some with poems, but I can't say that there is some other ways to connecting , I was in such a belief before but now I just can say I don't know

There's nothing to explore and express or in better I can't explore and express my world. I'm disappointment but really don't know what's the REASON, this time I've a new idea I can say maybe I'm too rapidly want to get what I want and don't enjoy what I'm doing: searching and trying, exploring and finding... But changing an old view would be so hard to me.

Sunday, January 4
As I remember in my life the major challenge on my mind was doing something!(I know it doesn't make sense but wait a minute) and this was growing constantly by passing the time and made himself as a great desire in my soul, he grew up and along with this there was a total despair about achieving in just A job. It was a hard conflict inside of me about it ,I haven't ever thought about things that daily I was doing I just feel that I can't do A specific DOING. These specific doing fill all my heart and mind as a goal I want to get close to. I was watching people all the time for getting a secret of their success and just wonder if I could do something like that . I had been thinking all the time and the only thing as a result was a losing for every GOAL and every OTHER.
after a long term of trying I changed the view and you know what ? Every thing was inside of me . It was a looking for myself not looking for a place far away from me . I found out that the most joyful thing in the world is the things that I'm working on . I couldn't see the world of doing that I was doing all the time because I didn't care about them as a JOYFUL JOB, the whole joy was in the hand of others and their hand was unreachable. I really figured out that the whole joy is in my hand.
It was a phrase from my great teacher, inspired me: process orientation.
thank you teacher, thank you myself
maybe they are not clear but to me it's meaningful and understandable
all I can say is, now, I don't get anything, I just love the process of what I'm doing thinking and searching every day and night , I just want to love and improve what I'm doing.

Saturday, January 3
Thirsty is one of the most generative concept that I've ever met. Just feel it once, it would be grateful. I want to understand it but I'm not thirsty enough!

I had been waiting for you but you didn't come.

I want to be more clear for myself I don't know myself well so I can't think on myself

Add this picture to the previous one and draw conclusion about the perfect me

Definitely this is me! These days, just replace the chair with rocking one

I'm lost.

When I started thinking, the windows opened to me and I felt that there is other sides to see and concern about.

Somebody forces us to leave our home, our sweet lovely home. I'm lose heart on this issue, so I'm hopeless and depressed.

my soul is gloomy and dark therefore my heart's eyes can't see the other sides. This is on my feelings, he's in charge of doing these job on me. When I explore more, I'm getting closer to this: the home has a hidden psychological reliability for us that we can't see it till we feel that we're losing it. This situation would be for many others things. things that fill the beneath layers of our souls and I can't sense it till it raised up and shows himself.

I also was thinking for the people who are in bam. When they woke up they found themselves in the air( psychological). Sounds like the whole reliabilities has gone. There is nothing to step on and remain on it. So what'll happen is falling down.

Along with growing gloom and hopeless in my heart there was something else that was boosting up in my mind and that was HATE, I don't like it but really when it come over me I wasn't balance enough to control it. Hating the one who wants to take my home.

Friday, January 2
The weather in Tehran. Thoughtful

Thursday, January 1
Happy new year, I don't know what's the different between tonight and tomorrow night but if there's something so I wish it would be a nice one.

I'm sad. I can't break my ugly moments. Why? Really why? Just want to know why?
I want to cry and won't let any future comes because I can't handle the NOW. They are extremely strong, when they attack me I feel lonely and weak I feel I can't even think a time without them. When they are not in my mind I feel free, at that time I can kill them many times in my mind and don't let them even making their sketch in my soul but when they come over me the whole hope and trying, the whole thinking to win will lose, they(hope and..) getting away from me and all I'll have at that moment is this: compromising. At that time I'm telling them I can't defend you, you were right.
these are some believes that made strong roots in my soul and every time I wanted to taking the roots away I couldn't.
All I wanted from these believes are cutting their doing that comes after them. In fact they inspire some unacceptable effect in my life . I don't know really what's the REASON of getting rid of them, maybe this is the REASON I can't make them away.
I want to describe them and express what I feel at those moment but I should make a new sketch to get close to them, the sketch should be understandable then I can say it's understandable for myself, too.

A new life has begun and I'm already shocked! How can it be happen too fast like this!


this is me with fairy! We want to make a theory: walking for navigating,exploring and sharing experiments for understanding and finding .It would be totally amazing.

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