A Selfologist Against Himself
Friday, February 27
The human relationship that based on love between them is just a common face of this scared love. Maybe I should use another word for common , maybe the most important thing is the human is too real , I mean the reality in others is the most real shape of reality. So we can easily taste the love on the human kind.
when I feel that I fall in love with a girl it's really a sort of fall in love. It grows and grows but subconsciously and with no announcement, so after a while I find myself in love. I feel that I can't continue anymore without her.
when I want to get close to the core of that love I only can say I'm in love. I think that when it was on it's way to grow I hadn't any kind of awareness on it. So it seems that I fall in love.
but this can't happened on other issues deliberated. I mean I want to find other faces of this scared love but I don't know that this looking for them make them being fake, so I found that I should just wait for it and just taste and smell and touch what's around me and look for that one that I'm looking for.

I think tolerating is just like being adventurous and with a braveness looking for the love and for the joy. I think it needs a spark and that spark makes me starting this navigating and exploring, every where.

Thursday, February 26
I'm still waiting, tolerance, welcome to my life, to infinity and beyond along with tolerance.

Friday, February 20
"Don't think you are
know you are,
Stop trying to hit me and hit me."
The matrix

Thursday, February 19
Sitting straight and gazing at the wall, the snowy whiteness of wall was shining and take far from that silence in the room. Sitting straight but with my eye stare at the white I was navigate all the shiny and twinkling galaxy of my mind and have a close eye on a logical consequences that is rapidly drive me to nowhere to the infinity and border to the limit and freedom.
there I was, but far from there I was.
sitting straight, gazing at the whiteness of wall and driven by the waves in the sea of my mind and my world, follow the causes and effects, the why and the reason, but getting nothing, but what's nothing, is this nothing?

"self-awareness", I can't be aware of the self-awareness! I can't be aware about my awareness on myself, my said will followed by this: at every moment of life we just can aware about one thing and the others will cover their faces to be discovered.

Wednesday, February 18
Out of no where it was snowing, The sky was almost clear , I mean clouds were far from me but it was snowing! Too late at night and the wind was cruelly touched my face and all I could do was bending me neck and staring at the earth ,
I was just wanted to walk and walk

Thank you Fairy, I know you are here, you are great, I'm in , the process I mean , I know it's hard but it's looks beautiful and lovely,the taste made me remain and wait. Thank you, you were right, I should wait. These days I really feel the change. And really love to watch trees they are graceful, have you ever look at them?

Wednesday, February 11
I wrote something to someone and after that I felt better. But so what it seems that it's just like kind of fake , now I feel something and tomorrow will feel some other things
is there anyone who can tell me where is the stable part of my life?!
they are changing all the time. My approach my way my road my love my fear my feelings ... Which one is fixed and reliable?

Tuesday, February 10
Today, I was happy! But so what? Tomorrow I'll be sad! No! No! Tomorrow I'll be happy! But, again, so what?! The day after that or some days after that I'll be sad, I'm going back and force on being happy and sad, on joy and suffer, ...
but, really, so what?!
Is this our holy life? It seems not.

I'm done
but what for?

Sunday, February 8
There are something happening around me as a political issue in the whole country.
MP's resign and the fight has broken out. In many eyes that stare at this place( my country) it's just like a Strom. But in me as a guy who has his own interest on such games in such wide ground, I don't feel the Storm as they feel.
I feel Storm on my way of thinking about the exchange of power (that directly based of our culture). I mean this time the contact on the upper layers of the power system forced me to think about the politic as a playground that moral and ethics, and other basic values that are accepted from the humankind as fundamentals and rules in playing can easily get broken.
I mean when getting close to power means to cost , we want to cost the lower-values thing and such a storm can shows which value has a lower worth to every one.
we are in the process of knowing the original believes of some guys.

Saturday, February 7
Today was crowded and full of work, I was just running around for nothing. And right here and right now I'm so tired, not sad because I lost my time but sad because I miss my life, my love.
there were moments that I asked myself : where the hell am I going? But I just could answer myself that I'm doing this cause I feel that the process, even a little, has it's own joy and beauty to me. So when I come on the other side and remember my days with my love I can see myself enthusiastically drawn in a confusion, in a choice.
if I want to win the game and choose what I want I should see better the thing that I want to choose.

Friday, February 6
The way that I'm going -when I take a close look at it - is actually like I'm trying to pass the suffer and get the joy, or turn on the light on fear (cause I think it's sort of darkness and with light will be disappeared) and feel the love.
In this way (as fairy told me once) it seems that I'm getting close to my roots, that are some kind of love. I'm trying to make a clear vision on who I'm, and what am I consist of. what are the origins of my behave and my thought.
I wish her wishes remains beside me all the time.

nowdays are calm before the storm.

At every spot in my fantastic (this by itself is a spot! I can say my tough or easy or ..) life there are windows open and windows shut. What I feel right now comes from the open windows and how do they look to me , and what I feel will lead to what I do .
I want myself to know that there is a special window that should (rather to say it's better) be open all the time, and that window is : there are some other windows that can be open!
In this way I'm trying to overcome some of my fears. And NOW it looks interesting and just like a journey. My way is (as I learned it ) opening the nice windows (exciting and lovely ones which I can stare at their view for a long time, there should be sort of love in them ) and I know with this , the fear windows will gradually fade away.
the point is this opening the love windows.

Thursday, February 5
It's better to think more, it's better to be calm and listen more.
it's better to fly and go far away.

Too confused and puzzled, a bit messy too.
My mind is comming apart, just like this:

Tuesday, February 3

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