A Selfologist Against Himself
Wednesday, March 31
When I think more it seems that I can't wish, it seems that I forget it, but I was a good one in wishing, WOW!!, who I was and who I'm now!??!! There are sometimes I think about Fairy, and with all I have from her( words and feelings of those words) trying to make an image or shaping a sense of her but I didn't think about wish for her.
it seems that the way I look is changing through the time .
Tuesday, March 30
I wish I could experience the true love, I wish love could flow inside of me not in the surface, I want to find the MY love, MY interpretation of love, the love that can remain and it's ageless, it makes me to live in the moments, and enjoy a lot every little moments of my life instead of flying to the past , future, other,...Instead of flying to illusions, it makes me taste the reality instead of illusions and fake
Sunday, March 28
It's better to listen more instead of writing and talking, watching more instead of drawing and shooting, it's better to be calm and waiting.
I won't write as much as before ( I wish).
Fairy thanks a lot for all words and worlds you shared and share me, I wish you can find more on yourself, and enjoy the navigation, watch it all, they are all amusing.
My passion for listening from you is still fired and fresh, but it seems that it's better to correct the way. Maybe I was wrong.
Friday, March 26
There are several shadows of something on the earth, they are all seems alike but they have differences, they are the shadows of my LOVE and what I'm doing is finding the exact shape of my LOVE.
they are several shadows because of the several lights.
It seems that this kind of looking for changing the moments is not the way I should choose, moments are happening exactly in the moments and they are not reachable in other moments, I should think about finding moments in moments, I should think about enjoy the writing right now and enjoy the exploring myself.
From the beginning of my life, I haven't ever felt being fragile and weak like this, oh my God, what the hell it was, I was about to kill myself after finding out that I'm such a fearful person, you see, that's because of when we think about other situation or time of our life what we are doing is just working with some not clear and far from-real pictures that we've taken from our moment of our life, so we think that we are analyzing our other moment but in fact we are doing nothing.
I felt alone and weak to change, who the hell am I ? I need to do something but I can't .
Thursday, March 25
Feel exactly like dead, am I dead? I feel in the prison. And no hope, no better vision except the darkness of the wall, tall wall in the prison. I hate this way of living, in some moments imagine the new way and a new life for other moments and when those moments come I'm so weak to change anything, I'm close to the meaning of death, cause I can't change some moments of my life, I'm alone and scared, fearful cause there is no hope.
where is life. Where is living instead of death.
Wednesday, March 24
When I call it illusion it means that at that moment of my life the web that it has drawn was linking something shallow and not acceptable to the reality and love.
and making this web made me thing that, that thing that I wanted was real and lovely but after God gave me another moment to live the link disappear and fade away, so reality meant some other thing,
I need more help to live some of my moments better.
Have you seen that?! Last night I mean, I was there, it was terrible(inside of me) it was so dark and gloomy, there wasn't any sort of beauty in that, I was surrounded by an illusion, illusion that made me be blind
have you felt that?!
the whole vision was filled by that huge and seemed-to-be-real mirage.
I was drown enthusiastically in that image and I couldn't do any other thing,
it was exactly an illusion I wanted to overcome it but I knew that this overcoming needs a love that flow all over my life, and the smell and taste of that love would not let the mirage to take shape and be the reality.
I need more help
That's a nice word thank you Fairy, Illusions, maybe it can represent one of my most important issue that I have in my mind, I mean it can represent the world that I'm exploring during long time and I couldn't find the way for overcome, but you taught me love,( maybe I can say, this clear vision of love was happening when you were here thank you so much), and I thought that I figured out what I wanted to overcoming illusions, darkness but I watched myself so far from what I was thinking,
I need more help
"... so we're living absolutely in moments ..."
The Time is an illusion.
Thank you so much for every moment of your presence in my life.
from your Fairy
The Time is an illusion. WOW I love this sentence, cause it seems that I'm hearing something exactly close to my mind,
ILLUSIONS there are so many other kind of illusions in our life, I want to find more
help me Fairy, illusions are fearful and they are close to darkness, it needs light and light is love, help me to find that.
Monday, March 22
There is just a kind of love that can heal me but I can't find it out. Seems to me that I'm overwhelmed and I can't continue any more
So sad, cause it seems to me that I can't get close to what I want, now I feel lonely and want to fly and get rid of such feelings, I know that I'm far away from what I call LOVE , so I'm sad, I know that that love should move me and take me to a place that no body can even touch, but it seems to me that I'm fastened to this place, this garbage that I can't overcome my infatuation,
you see I'm alone and nobody is here to help me,
As I can say right now every wish, every want, every thing that we're looking for is exactly for a moment that in that moment we want, wish, search for that thing
so we're living absolutely in moments
There are something that I don't want to do, but really I don't know how can I find love in some other thing, I'm confused so, and I don't know what should I do, I'm lookig for the change and now I know what should I do but it seems that I can't do so it seems that I don't know anything
I know that every moment of life is kind of web , a web that link manything together but I don't know how can I change the web with love, I'm experiencing it at every moment of my life but there is no purpose on it, I wish I can do something
I'm back fairy, and seriously looking for ....
Wednesday, March 17
I'm going to the north in my country for almost a week, I wish I can have an incredible journey to my inside too, I wish I can find myself, I wish I can purely wish just for wish and nothing else.
Tuesday, March 16
There are huge amount of beliefs around in my mind but some of them are so strong, as I studied them throught this years, they are making some kind of joy and suffer, fear and love inside of me, some of them are so weak and others are strong,
therefore I drew conclusion that what they are doing is some kind of making a web in every moment of life by recalling pictures and sound and words... And relate them to a world ( they also are pictures, sound.... ) that this web is a feeling that we call and put a value of joy and suffer on it.
so the most important thing is that this webs has basements and fundamentals that those basic points of our web can has a significant power to changing the whole life.
as I can say one of them should be OTHERS.
Man hasn't ever seen color as an abstract object but you see how he's doing that and get color out of the shapes and forms that color is within,
love is like that color too, but I don't know how can I get it out of it's shape
by changing the shapes and forms?!
I wish I could get a new shape for love exactly in modes that I've experience in human love, as deep and available as that shape of love, as strong and fresh as that, as new at every moment as that, as can-be-seen-every-where as that, as lovely and sweet as that,
I wish I could fly
I wish I could talk to Fairy just for a moment (but I know that it's impossible)
Monday, March 15
So strange, so confused about life.
I need a true love, I love you love
I need whiteness , I need light instead of darkness,
I need freedom instead of prison, I need get up and run,
I need you
Sunday, March 14
How can I sleep well?! These 2 days I'm trying to do that but it seems to me that this kind of trying and want to do something (sleeping well) made it to be a fake , so I can't ,
I know that there should be a way, but I don't know that way, I wish, I can find it
Saturday, March 13
you know the best way I can explain that those 2 side are based on love and fear, so in this way they are conected to reality.
maybe it's unexact and not clear, that's because of the not clear vision of myself. I wish I can continue the search
I also don't know the other 2 sides, but it seems to me more strange(I) than OTHER and BODY, so I'm trying to find out about body and other maybe in this way I can find a way to I
Wednesday, March 10
I can't even imagine that how simply this diversity in the thousands of branches and leaves in tree can get unique and simple and powerful in the trunk.
I need that simplicity and unity.
It twinkled in my mind that the stars and the night sky with huge number of little shiny stars are so much diverse but how nice the ancient people could get them in unity with call them a shapes that they could see all over around them.
I with I can find my shape in this divesity that taking me around.
Tuesday, March 9
Today I finaly got my theory about the feelings soul body mind..
I was sitting in a chair and stare at a tall tree that went up to sky and thinking around, after that I look at my foot and told him if there's a situation that he want me to enjoy, and he answered me that he want to uncovered with my shoes, ok! I did it for him, then he wanted me about the socks, I did it too, it seems that my foot wanted me to be more free and smell the fresh air the fresh air of new season, spring, but after that he wanted to get rid of my other covering stuff that I told him about some guys over there that there is something we call it social manner and I can't obey your order Mr. Foot!!!, I know that at that time ( I put off my shoes and socks) he felt so better than before
you see how I'm talking about my foot, and I continued it all that hour, and I told myself that maybe we can change the way we are looking all part of our body, I know, now, that body has the closest relationship with my soul that when I want to change something in my soul I can start from here,
all the time that I'm thinking on relativitism and positivism and prespectivisim and the reality I told myself that what I should find out is "I" I was thinking that this I is related to others because we love others and they are source of reality, but now I think the other point of view that I is consist of body, the joy, suffer, love, fear... They really have a powerful sense in the body and this relationship taking shape in the process of feeling
we have many ways to feel ourselves better and to behave our body better that we don't know, this treating body in this way make our souls more powerful and strong.
the theory is so weak and the expressing is more weak than that, I should watch more and think more on my body,
I know that Fairy contributed me this view that I really love, so, Fairy thank you for lightening me like that and tolerate for the reflect, it took time to be reflected.
right now my eyes dying for see a special shot on the night sky with all of it's stars and it's gracefull milkway(the thing that can't be done in tehran) and just for 5 second,
When you do not write any word to me, any images or sound that I can hear, my mind, subconsciously trying to complete your picture in it and therefore he try to get close to other ways,
I tried to read more your special emails that you contributed me and I'm glad about this revising, it seems to me that I'm changed now and can see more things than before,
please don't leave me like this, I need your help, I need to know that with all this diversity, there is someone who can I rely on
I was thinking about freedom, change, my believes ... And I've found that I should start with my body, the word BODY, took my to an email that was from Fairy
I read it and figured out that it's completely different! I said to myself that how wonderful it was and I couldn't even think on it!
thank you fairy
Monday, March 8
It was about 2 days ago , I think, that one of my friend had a presentation that how authority can keep our mind to be in their way just like being in prison, and that was the time I've found out that the point about my life is just like what he had said: FREEDOM
there are believes and thought that don't want me to fly and be free, there are many others in my life and in my thought that don't want me to be myself, to be a chooser about what's going on , to decide what's the real and what's the love, to see where is the love and what's the shape of it.
but I don't know how I can be free.
It seems that the unique and powerfull image and feeling that I had about love (a girl) now comes divided and diverse, I can see this love in many thing around me, thinking about many thing, inside navigating, images around me, waiting for answers, getting upset and sad about not achieving some of these,... But the point is being diverse make them be weak and low, and this is the thing that I don't like.
Sunday, March 7
I'm full of divesity, extreme diversity, I can't even sleep well, I can't think well, in the darkness of night sitting in a rocking chair till 3-4 am and staring in somewhere and just looking for unity, navigating all this branches (shape of divesity to me) and looking for a simple thing that can make me be one
I know that's kind of love that can make me be like that but I don't know where and from where it can come toward me
reality and love are so close
Thursday, March 4
The beloved soul,
now I can smell better what did she talk about when she told me about LOVE and about SOUL.
now I can taste more clear what did she talk about when she told me about FEELING.
thank you for you contribution, thank you for walking with me although you could spend it for many other things.
thank you for your all presence over here and looking after me just like a mom's lovely look to her child,
now I can say there more LOVE over here than every body can imagine.
thank you, you are beautiful and great. Lovely and alive.