A Selfologist Against Himself
Wednesday, April 28
Tuesday, April 27
Now days I can say that if I gaze at a problem, what I just did is, I emphasized it and this putting stress on a problem, on something offending, on something that I think it's wrong, just made it bigger and grabs more concern on an issue that with such an attention increase itself and then it can't be solve, or, I don't know, I can't get rid of it.
I should see beyond it, see beyond it, then the freedom comes and I can feel that the fears that surrounded the issue now is lees than before, then I can feel that instead of fears, what I have is some kind of love.
see beyond it. How?! The life will give me with it's building-opportunities a chance for tasting the love of the beyond of a problem...
see beyond it...
Saturday, April 24
Saturday, April 17
I really wanna dye, I don't know why, but the whole life has lost it's beauty for me, I can't tolerate it any more.
I can't enjoy my journey toward the missing piece although I know that the point is going. but what the hell is this knowing??!!
I really feel pressure on my soul, I can't feel free and take it easy, so what I want is flying far from here and find something so light and new, so bright and sweat... I want some shining eyes and wings to fly, so eager to a place that I see myself free, free from suffer and fear.
I'm seeing the death as a new window to a new life! Am I right?
I wish I could sleep well just for 1 hour, or 1 minute.
I'm so tired and exhausted.
Tuesday, April 13
I was about to giving up, and I felt that the whole pressure was further than I can tolerate, I felt that I'm so alone and I need some one to lie beside and whisper in her ears, but the whole world leave me alone and told me about the way that's so dark and gloomy so cold and windy, and that I should pass the way just for myself,
who cares?! This is me and this is the universe, a round universe.
Friday, April 9
Thursday, April 8
Tuesday, April 6
I'm still waiting, waiting for new winds that turn my winter to a spring, that can grow new greens...
I'm still waiting...
Illusions, there are lots of them in my daily life, I had a conflict to get rid of many of them but the war is not over yet, that's because they are living exactly in the moments, in NOW, and what I've done for them was just hate them out of that moments,
I mean out of the moments I would love to overcome them and don't do them and get rid of all the shapes of them, because that was not the fact that I was trying to overcome, that was just a wrong and not-clear images that my Brian took from that moment, but when the moment come they were absolutely some other things, they seem to me lovely and beautiful.
for instance, controlling the eating, (I don't have any problem in it, just want to make it clear) out of the moment you see all the benefit of less eating and the situation that can bring you so much happiness, but what about the time when you're dying for food and in front of you there's a graceful table of food?!
I can say that every one has it's own illusions and those illusions making him/her to stop on progressing throught what s/he wants.
Monday, April 5
I was thinking about the power of eyes, and I was recalling the whole process of falling in love with a girl and I found out that the point that she had, in compare with other,(I mean the first thing that made found myself in love and start the process) seems, was based on the first eye-contact, we had,
it was powerful, at a moment I found myself gazing at her eyes for too much second (out of the public behave). Really, I was staring at her eyes just like a diamond that I've not ever seen in my life.
Not a good breathing, and I feel that somebody grabs my heart, seems that my heart is heavier than before, staring at the screen, thinking about what's going on in my life, pinkfloyd is singing: ...Goodbye blue sky...., remembering how lovely was some few days in my life, waiting, the waiting reminds me the patience-way that I've chosen and it's clearly against what my character was and somewhat is....
these night I'm wishing, it seems that somebody reminds me before sleeping and I wish from my heart that somebody in this world give me things that I want... But you know, the problem is I don't know what I want!...
Last night I had a nightmare, in all around, where ever I was or wanted to go there was huge amount of broken glasses that really didn't let me to walk,
before sleeping I was enjoying the taste of love, I don't know where it came from but it seems that by recalling some of my memories, I was just felt the love and I told myself that there's a huge distance between tasting and feeling the common shapes of love and thinking and talking about love.
so the road is full of broken glasses! But it approach to reality.
Saturday, April 3
I'm dying just for a night sleeping well.
I wish God was closer than this, I wish there was somebody here near by me and listen to me and take me far away from here,
I wish I could fly.
Thursday, April 1