A Selfologist Against Himself
Monday, June 28
The whole blogspot is blocked in my connection from I think 1 or 2 weeks ago so it's hard to read my blog and it's comments and others who are hosted in blogspot...
I won't write till I can easily do that ...
this is my country and those who are in power think this way works ok! Maybe they are right?!, the time would be the best judge for all of us...

"...who can say where the road goes, where the day flows.... only time.."
Lorena Mckennit

Saturday, June 26
The most painful thing in this world is a story hidden deep in my soul and cannot be unfold...
these times I want to cry, and call everyone in this world help me but it's just this shiny moon that can hear me and the stars that can watch my soul.. What would happen if I didn't have this window to watch the moon and the stars?!!

Friday, June 25
Tonight, I will fly
tonight, there would be stars twinkling in the sky
just tonight, there would be shiny bright moon, lightening me and just me and tell me how light could be nice,
tonight, would be the best night in the world, the best reason to live, the best way to fly
tonight, I'm gonna think about her and her beauty right in front of the perfect moon, and tiny stars will watching my love as I watching them, and I will think how thirsty I'm to reach her and reach her eyes
oh! How can I leave this night..

I've found this and it's great...(you should know farsi!!)
it reminds me the question who's God? This word seems so mysterious to me, I don't know who's he, I have fear, joy, I have journey, I have life, I have the world and words, but I don't know this word: God

Monday, June 21
Closely look at him, the moment he's experiencing is spectacular..It's the most lovely and beautiful moment that I can imagine, it's my fantasy in life...
it's the moment of thirstiness
he's the real thirst


Sunday, June 20
Watching these days passing just like a river, I can just hear the sound of water facing with stones in all around, they make waves and waves goes up and down, I don't know where it comes from and where it goes after here, I can just hear the symphony of my life, love, hate, anger, sweetness, struggle, ...

Friday, June 18
I was in a meeting and they were guys talking about something, every body who was talking was also moving his/her hand just beside what s/he was talking about...
I started to close my hears to what's they are talking about and just watch, closely, their hand..
hands were moving in the air and the moving was so nice up and down.. Left and right and...
can I get what they are talking about just with their hand?! Is it possible to do so??!
this is what's going in this life, somebody is moving his hand and I can just see his and I should understand what he wants to say just with his hands but can I??

In my mind I was exploring some words and I get to "noble" and I was on a taxi and on a road and beside were trees and I love trees,
noble ...noble how wonderful this word can be....
suddenly I saw a tree, WOW! spectacular... Graceful.. No, no it was noble, absolutely noble.. I haven't seen a tree with such a nobility...
Sohrab has a poem:
words should be cleaned up... (if I'm translating it well)

Thursday, June 17
It's 2-3 nights that I can't sleep and I have nightmares, looks like the bed is trying to reject me! I really don't know why, I'm trying to face some new thought that are not owned, I mean they are not mine and so they seems like scary shadows in a dark night, maybe this is a time to live the softness a sweat love... Maybe this is on my original estimate of trying to make myself far from an eternal and spectacular eyes...
whatever I do, I'm trapped in the hand of two shiny and great eyes.

Wednesday, June 16
If there is stone, if it's cold, if there is ice in all around, if the colors want to get close to black, there is also a sun and there is still a bright warm and yellow light, it's up in the sky I can easily look at it, it needs a little patience...


Where am I going? Up or down
where am I going? Is there anybody taking me or this is just the "I"
where am I...? Is it a coming or going?
it's an odd but the point is there is no "where" if there is a "go"...


Monday, June 14
The table in messy and sloppy but exactly suitable for my soul, it's an image of my mind and what's going on deep in there. It's book and it's a magazine and continues by a headphone and folders and CDs and coloring tools and markers and ... I can just see the monitors and touch the keyboard, I don't know what's the basic and found of the things and I can just see the upper ones, I can see some books, headphone and CD but under them there a world, these upper ones are getting they validity and reliability from the lower stuff but the fact is I don't know the deeper layer, just like my soul and my mind and what's going on in these tiny moments, those are the odds of this life and what I'm seeing is the shadows of me, the odds are making the shadows....

Sunday, June 13
"Spanish doll" have you ever heard it?
just flow me in my memories, my past and the future(I don't know if it's mine or not)
it reminds me the heat of a great love and a the dumpy road that I'm passing in this life and still survive against all odds,
it reminds me flying in the air with these little wings,
it reminds me days and nights walking outside, thinking about the things that were happening in my life and how can I change them,
it reminds me seeing my life as a whole, as a process, as a part of a mysterious cave,
...Sweat Spanish doll...

Saturday, June 12
I like to watch him, he looks just like a part of me, the part that I call "I can't", maybe he more looks like: "I don't want".


Friday, June 11
according to Gufona's last comment:

Thursday, June 10
Just like a piece of ice standing over the sun and watch itself lost it dignity and form as a great hard and rough part of this world.
I can't get rid of these hardly damaging sun raises get sharped at me want me to dye.
I know I should tolerate but ....
Maybe these words that I'm calling for my world are so little and limited, maybe they are not fitted to what I'm, maybe I should change them for new shape and therefore new world.
It's better to say I'm a water in a freezing, rough situation, tolerating the awfully cold air just to get the dignity of being ICE.

Wednesday, June 2
There is nothing to lose,
there is no where to run,
this is me,
standing over here, gazing at the window and the bright perfect moon and it's quite white and shiny clouds surrounded it, thinking about her and her face and her brilliant eyes just like a diamond in the sky,
thinking about her and the wishes come toward me and want to fly me far from where I'm.
recalling the song: "...Who can say where the road goes, where the days flows, only time..."
all I have from her is just mere images deep in my mind, but all the images are so bright and sweat
who can just give me the chance of just and just one time kissing her, she is so far that I can reach her eyes once again.

"And the valley is quite with the snow
and the train has one more mile to go
to the station where my love will be
she waits for me
she waits for me..."
chris de burg

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