A Selfologist Against Himself
Sunday, July 25
I've been watching a book, a book full of photos from all over my country, but close looking and exploring the nature and it's beauty, every photo had a spectacular sense placed deep in it, every photo had a fantastic journey that wanted me to join him, every photo was a symphony of colors and light gathered all in a flat paper, dancing, makes that flatness a digging depth.
these times I'm finding myself close to colors, they are alive, they have unspoken feeling, they play with each other want me to come to stage, listen to them and stay with them
I've found a way to facing my problems, my questions, my thirstiness: I will ehsOn them! Isn't a generative useful verb for me?!
I think, ehsOning problems doesn't solve them but rather ehsOn them!!?!
I know it's a bit confusing but I'm trying to break the walls, make the front visible, hard trying huh?!
Saturday, July 24
My color in some moment of this little tiny life witch I'm thinking about her and her beauty..
I can feel that I'm drowning, I can feel that I can't use my mind, my logic and what I called "I"...
Did you ever notice that there's no special color that we exactly call it blue, there are shades of something we all can guess it's blue, we can say that some color is not blue or is , but we can't say specify a color and detach it from any others and put a mark on it: it's the blue and nothing else!..
I'm still waiting, waiting for winds facing me with their softness and joy, still waiting for a new tree has the sense of nobility and beauty, waiting for a new green, a new silver and white cloud make the sun untouchable, still waiting...
how long a waiting can seems to me?, how hidden this me can be?, how far away from this hidden me I can be?!
Thursday, July 22
How real and alive my feelings could be! The feeling of watching a grace tree tango along the wind and shining toward facing the light of the sun, ... the point that these days crystallized in my mind and seems to me that I'm unfolding Fairy's said.
I felt it:
"I am beginning to really get out of control. Jumpy with every single thing, I am on the verge of a complete break down. I am walking, not even so slowly, on the sharp edge of a blade and my flesh is scored by dozens of cuts .My heart is beating at the rhythm of thousand drums, emotions are boiling in me and it seems I am never able to let go of them. Not enough at least. My muscles are tensed, my brain is hazed and every single fiber in my body cries to be pushed further and faster: and me, I go through moments when I dare and push and when I am scared and hold back. A cry seems to be forever stuck in my throat.I know I am on the verge of falling or exploding or simply shattering into pieces."
Wednesday, July 21
That's fear that makes me feel restrict, bounded and alone,
that's hurting fear who makes me not tasting the love, the crystallized eyes witch means the whole world beauty for me,
it holds me back, tells me all the time: hey! Back off, here's not your place
somebody help me! I really need it, I'm in the shadows of doubt, I'm in this fear's jail... I'm not free to live..
Friday, July 16
I love walking but actually the one witch I'm alone and no one can break my "me",
I love walking when there is no aim for it,
when I feel free on walking thinking and watching,
I love walking when the home is nearby and the passerbies are unkown!
I love walking when I can relate it to patience and thought, to art and expression,
I love walking because this word is not that walking, it's something else, it's an unfold story, it's a new world, it's sort of trying, it's kind of exploring,...
it's kind of drowning.. so it's better to say I love swimming...
I am lost,
I feel lost but this time with out any sort of disappointing or feeling down and ugly,
I feel lost but this time with out tasting a bitterness of the world, this time I feel this is the way of life and if there was no lost who could find his way?, how could "finding" proud of shaping in a meaning?,
this is the way I'm wording this world and after that I feel in prison I feel catched and closed, maybe it's because of the way I'm wording this spectacular world, it's because of my word that made me feel small, shrunk and down, I should keep up with this word: "new world"
all of life is a coming home all of it, bitter and sweet, small and huge, down and high, running and sleeping, all of it
Wednesday, July 14
I got to a new and interesting point and that's the way I'm expressing myself and the thought I'm talking about has changed a lot from the beginning of writing this blog,
but what about the direction of this change?! I can't shape it exactly..
I wish I can explore more ...
Monday, July 12
to make you feel low and high, up and down, in this fucking damn life ,these two illusions would be enough,
Sunday, July 11
Maybe he needs help, maybe he wants to ask something, maybe wheat are asking something, or they are both pointing somewhere?! Maybe WE need help and they are just showing it to us, the whole trees and greens green, they are all standing, they are all raising their hand to the sky?!!..
I'm so happy, something deep inside, it really touch me, I'm thirst enough to express it but I can't find anything as much generative to do that,
it started with the morning, and the light rain exactly in summer, I was lying in my bed thinking how different the spring and fall rains are when I'm experiencing the summer one?! I was exploring my mind on this rain matter, reaching the "light and soft" for spring and fall rains, but when it's summer the raining can't get me far from the summer, I'm still thinking about unkindness of the heat in summer, it seems that kind of heartlessness is fixed deep in it,
maybe it's all on my loving of being cold and ice?!
Monday, July 5
Once upon a time, there was a Merlin passing me by,
told me think about your "I",
I was always asking why,
something trap me so tight,
the whole life hasn't any light,
drowning in this asking why,
expecting answers those were so dry,
she told me stop! I can't see any dye,
the journey has low and height,
just like seasons who born and die,
so I started to live the life witch I live by,
not those fake shadows of a passerby,
sweetness of a piece of pie,
grace of a dancing butterfly,
she unfold me the meaning of life, when I was hearing her wise rhyme,
and on this endless road having eye...
I'm back, after some searching for an un-filtered connection, after some thinking about writing, after some days of my life passing, after ...
Fairy I found so many polar bear in my life, but how white they were?!
It seems so gloomy and I'm thinking why, passing this road, road to finding why, connected me to a shot on my love and her writing that I've found it some days ego, and the feeling in it and the brilliant life that I can feel over it, but these lines didn't come alone to me and they also brought this question: how long and cold these shadows of doubt could be?! I feel myself far from her and her shining, in an endless road expecting the end?!
after these quick shots those were passing me by, I was thinking about the way I'm living and the way I'm tolerating the whole things around therefore I felt so lonely,...